What am I really afraid of? Performing in front of others. When I
practice, it doesn't seem so bad, especially when I practice in front of
the same people over and over again. I get that feeling like this
isn't so bad, and try to hang onto that, so when I do have to perform in
front of others, I can relax and just enjoy the experience. I convince
myself that I can do it. Then when it comes down to it, I get so
freaking nervous and it drives me crazy. I don't think it will ever get
better.
This happened last Friday night at the black
belt class. We had to perform all of our forms. I was real nervous,
but did not too bad. Until it came to stick. Then, I couldn't remember
the first couple moves to get started. That's all it took, and then I
got flustered and nothing worked. This feeling went into the next form
which was spear. I sucked at that too.
What I find
bothersome here, is that the very next day, as I drove to the kung fu
school, I could do stick perfectly in my head. When I got to the
school, I could actually do it with my stick. With help by sihing
Lowery on a couple of brain farts with spear, I got through that entire
form too. So what happened Friday night? I got nervous, and my brain
forgot how to work. Even Sifu Rybak made a comment to me that she could
see I got nervous and then flustered.
I guess what it
all boils down to, is practice enough so that even when you are nervous,
your muscle memory can pretty much perform on it's own. I have to
admit that I hadn't touched stick or spear for probably a year or more,
so how can I possibly expect to perform any better than I did.
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