Monday, October 15, 2012

This Feeling Really Bugs Me

What am I really afraid of?  Performing in front of others.  When I practice, it doesn't seem so bad, especially when I practice in front of the same people over and over again.  I get that feeling like this isn't so bad, and try to hang onto that, so when I do have to perform in front of others, I can relax and just enjoy the experience.  I convince myself that I can do it.  Then when it comes down to it, I get so freaking nervous and it drives me crazy.  I don't think it will ever get better.

This happened last Friday night at the black belt class.  We had to perform all of our forms.  I was real nervous, but did not too bad.  Until it came to stick.  Then, I couldn't remember the first couple moves to get started.  That's all it took, and then I got flustered and nothing worked.  This feeling went into the next form which was spear.  I sucked at that too.

What I find bothersome here, is that the very next day, as I drove to the kung fu school, I could do stick perfectly in my head.  When I got to the school, I could actually do it with my stick.  With help by sihing Lowery on a couple of brain farts with spear, I got through that entire form too.  So what happened Friday night?  I got nervous, and my brain forgot how to work.  Even Sifu Rybak made a comment to me that she could see I got nervous and then flustered.

I guess what it all boils down to, is practice enough so that even when you are nervous, your muscle memory can pretty much perform on it's own.  I have to admit that I hadn't touched stick or spear for probably a year or more, so how can I possibly expect to perform any better than I did. 

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