This is a tough blog to write. When I joined SRKF I joined because I
wanted to get into shape and to become a black belt in kung fu. When I
think back what I thought a black belt was or what it represented is
very interesting. I can honestly tell you that I thought a black belt
meant that you could fight and that you had "arrived". There was ego in
my mind when I think back to that time, "look at me, I'm a black belt
thus I'm better than you". Wow has a lot changed in the past four
years.
I no longer think that earning a black belt
means you have "arrived" rather it means you have reached a starting
point. A starting point for the rest of your life.
This
brings me to where I'm now. I'm not sure where I am to be completely
honest. I have almost lost faith in what I am trying to achieve. What I
mean by this is that I'm no longer motivated by achieving my kung fu
black belt. I'm no longer wanting to work as I have in the past years
to get to that point. Why is this? I don't really know and I can't put
my finger on it. However I do think that I haven't fully recovered
from my failure last year. I know that I haven't come to terms with
where I am physically and where I was before I left to SC. They may
seem trivial to some but I know how difficult it was to get to that
point and what I have to go through again just to get back there. I
know that I have not mentally prepared myself to want to go through that
again.
When I joined SRKF I was looking for a
lifestyle, a way to live my life through my martial arts and my kung
fu. For the past four years I have loved this part of the martial
arts. Why now am I feeling like this lifestyle is no longer serving
me? Why am I looking at my kung fu in this way?
So what to do, where do I go from here? Do I throw away four years of my
life and quit? I attended another school recently just to see what it
would be like. I will share with you that in some ways I liked it
better. In other ways not as much. I have decided to continue with my
kung fu and to see my journey continue. For how long? I'm not sure but
one thing I am sure of is that I made a commitment to the I Ho Chuan
Team. There is no quitting the team and I refuse to break that
commitment. If there is only one thing that I can say that I achieved
this year then I can at least say that I didn't quit.
I
want to ask something of my team, if you don't hear from me or see me
please reach out to me. I will do the same for you. It means a lot to
know that the team still wants you as a team mate.
Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada
ianrepay@blogspot.com
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