Where Have I Been?

The year of the dragon hasn't started out all that great for me as I have been sick for the last 9 days. I can't even remember the last time I got sick for this long. I have had a cold or two for a couple to three days before but this silly one is hanging on for real. I have decided that even if I am not better by Monday, I will go for it and try to work out anyways. Maybe a good sweat will take it out of me.

This is going to be a good year for me, once I do get going. I am excited for this year, and the journey I have begun. This push for me to become truly engaged in my kung fu has come at a great time for me. It has come at a time when I need some definite direction in my life. My kids are grown and on their own, I have downsized my home considerably, and unfortunately, even all my pets are now gone. I feel a bit lost, but through kung fu, I know I will once again be found.

I had great anxieties over the celebration of the Chinese New Year tonight, and I almost got out of going. Almost. Until Sifu Brinker cornered me this morning. Most years, I come away from the banquet feeling not very good about myself, and memories long, long passed come floating back. Personal memories I need not speak of. I see so much success all around me, but I myself don't feel very successful.

This time it was different. This time I came away excited about my training. I came away pumped and ready to give it all I got. Why is it so different than most years? Because this year I am working at my kung fu. Other years that I didn't feel good about myself and didn't feel very successful, was simply because I wasn't. I wasn't successful because I wasn't training very much. How can I have success when I am not doing anything? I can't move forward if I am not trying to.

As I helped out this afternoon setting up, and again tonight, cleaning up, I felt remorse. Remorse for all the times I let the opportunity to lend a hand go by. Remorse for all the times I left everyone else to do the work. Remorse for all the many kung fu projects I chose not to help out with. I walked away tonight with a conviction to be there when I am needed to be there. A conviction to be a better person, a better black belt, a better member of the kung fu family.

It's past midnight, I am tired and my thoughts are jumbled, but I know I feel good at what I am doing. I feel good to be a part of Silent River Kung Fu. Tonight, I chatted with a couple of the elderly ladies we shovel driveways for. We are very special people, in their eyes. I realized, that we are very special people. . . in my eyes too.