Oi.

In a recent post I mentioned that I'm going to try to focus my blog more on my own training. Here's my first attempt.

Despite the fact that I love our classes and I love training with everyone, I still feel awkward performing. I know that classes are not performances, but working on my form with so many people in the room is, to me, along the same line. It's not anxiety, public performances don't make me nervous (maybe a little), they make me self conscious. Yes, I know these feelings are in the same family, but they're not the same to me. And yes, I am fully aware that every other individual in the room is in the exact same boat, but it doesn't change the problem. If I'm working on something at home and Nick walks in the room, I stop. If I'm working on spear or stick or spade in my yard and someone drives by I stop. If there is another soul within sight and I'm working on my own thing, I stop. I have a block that I'm trying very hard to work past, but its big. It's why so few of you have ever seen me working on my own stuff, and its why I don't go to open training. I know I won't get much accomplished. I don't mind getting feedback (although asking for it is hard) but its like I'm scared someone will see my thought process. I'd rather people see the end result first, I guess to make sure it's acceptable before I'm judged on how I got there.

Such a bad mentality, I know. The whole point of the I Ho Chuan is to pursue mastery publicly, for the benefit of myself and the school. But oi, its rough. Doesn't matter how many words of encouragement I hear, I have this issue. And it sucks.

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