A great choice!

I have so many thoughts and concerns going through my head.  I am full of appreciation for what the UBBT has done for me.  I am full of confusion about mastery and what it means to me.  I am concerned for my tai chi.  I am full of excitement for the relationships I am building with other members of the UBBT.   I am so pumped with the dragon dance, and the demo tomorrow.   Aggggghhhhh, can I handle it all???

When I started the UBBT, I was in a somewhat depressed state.  I was entering my 12th year as a single person. and this unfortunately weighed so heavy on my mind, ALL THE TIME.  I was lonely and I saw no end to it.  I wasn't focused on my kung fu so I decided I had to either quit, or jump in with both feet.  My life didn't seem to be focused in any particular direction and so I had lots of time to sit and feel sorry for myself.  So, I jumped.  I jumped in with both feet.  I don't feel I am moving forward with my physical requirements with leaps and bounds, but I am definitely constantly working on it, and moving in a forward motion.

My biggest benefit from the UBBT is how I feel mentally.  I feel that my mind is cleansed or purged or clearer somehow.  Not sure how to describe it, but I will try.    A year ago, I would walk into the kung fu school and feel like I did not belong.  I would feel like I wasn't good enough to be there or to be called a black belt.  I felt like people judged me, and I didn't take too kindly to people that I thought were better than myself.   They made me feel threatened.  I was careful who I partnered up with in class.  Sometimes I just felt like my head was full of bad attitude, and negativity.  I recognized that.  The thing is, I just didn't care.  I didn't care if anyone else saw it, or what they thought about it.  I didn't like to take part in projects, or mostly I convinced myself that I didn't have the time.  It bothered me that I never won awards, or wrote great journal entries that needed the whole school to read.  I never had anyone point out my "great" technique to the rest of the class.  I am embarrassed now to see what I was like, and how I felt.  It was worse than I thought.

Now after 8 months in the UBBT, I walk into the school with my head high, my attitude alive, and my spirits soaring.  I am confident with where I am in my kung fu and I don't feel fear when others see me doing forms or working on technique.  I like working with a new partner in class, and I love that I have gotten to know so many more people at the school.  The people there are a very choice group and I am happy to have them in my life and to have them be a part of my training.  I try to do my best when I train in class and out of it, without any worries of being judged.  I realize now what I said earlier: "People that I thought were better than me".  I was the one doing the judging, not other people.  I now look at people that are great martial artist, and try to learn from them instead of regret them.  I look for other qualities in their character, and appreciate them.  I feel that the kung fu school is a safe haven for me.  It is somewhere I can go to be at peace, work hard, appreciate who I am and what I am doing, and be around good people with similar values.  I have felt this before at times, but now I feel it all the time. 

As I was in the UBBT meeting today, I looked around the room at everyone and made a quick mental note of how little I knew each person there, before the UBBT.  I made a mental note of how well I know them now, and the appreciation I feel for each one of them.   Sifu Kichko has been coming to my fitness class for a long time  now, but I really hardly knew her at all.  She has been helping me with my tai chi now for about a month, and I have gotten to know her well.  She doesn't fake the cheery positive attitude.  That is genuinely a part of who she is.  I have always liked Sifu Rybak but never got to know her.  Now I have and she is a good example to me of taking the lead.  I witness this as we train together in the forms demo.  Sifu Masterson, is another person I have gotten to know better and appreciate as we train together in the early mornings.  She has given me great insight to some mental training blocks I have brought up in our conversations.  I am glad to be training along side her.  I am slowly getting to know Sihing Chervenka and am  discovering the quiet strength he is to our team.  The younger ones in the group are always a joy to get to know better.  Langner, Chessall, and Wonsiak add a sense of renewed youth to the team, and I am proud of what they are doing at such a young stage of their life.  Ms Donahue, and sihing Lowrey I have gotten to know well, through the dragon dance in particular. I like how their positive cheery approach to things  always keeps me trying to be positive and they often make me laugh with their fun attitude. There are so many more members of the team I could name and say great things about.  Their faces race though my head now as I ponder on this.  They are all strong individuals, and they add meaning to my life and give me great examples to follow.

It is these people on the UBBT team that have given me so much.  The training is a definite benefit in the way it helps my martial arts in a physical sense, but my association with the people is what has given me the most.  I made a choice to dig into my training with the UBBT, and the other members have given me a reason and the opportunity to change my attitude, and look at my training in another light.   I was doing the UBBT for me.  Everyone else may have been doing the UBBT for themselves as well, and they probably didn't even realize how much they themselves were doing it for me.  I feel I have taken a lot from my fellow UBBT team mates, and I sure hope I can do things for them as well., and pay some of that back.

 I knew I needed the UBBT, but not to such great lengths.  I never fully understood just why I needed it either.  I am learning, and beginning to see the light.  What I have gained from joining this team was not at all what I had expected.  It has come as a total surprise.  A nice big surprise!  What I have gained will be with me for the rest of my life.  It will guide me and help me to get to the next level as a person, a leader, a martial artist.