This post was started a few days ago, after reading it I
thought I’d toss it, but I saw its relevance to my sequential journal postings
and thought I’d just add a bit and keep it as a page in my entries. With that said, it may seem here and there
and everywhere! It’s not a pretty entry, but I will leave it as is.
I have so much on my mind but don't know what to say.... I'm
stressed and bothered.... I'm tired but I'm having a hard time sleeping...I'm
lost but with moments of contentment. I feel my life going in two directions...
I vision the two paths and see the consequences; a part of me wants to go left
and the other right. It is awkward, both paths offer peace but either without
sacrifice!
The irony to where I am at this point is the Rotary Run
which just took place last weekend, which I had to miss due to a family
gathering in Saskatchewan. The irony is what this run is in support of, “awareness
of mental illness and suicide prevention”, and where my mind has all been this
past while. To have my mind is such disarray leaves me no choice but to wonder.
This is not a foreign topic to me; I have posted on this topic a few times, so
I keep it in the forefront because of the need to be aware. A large percentage of the population is being
impacted by stress and mental illness, every second of every day. I’m aware of
the need to recognize the symptoms and I’m aware of many ways to alleviate them,
however when things start to run wild in ones self, the mind does not function
as well as envisioned prior to.
.................................................................................................
My new job posting may alter many ways to which I can approach my life. I'm not fully into the swing of this new position yet, but I'm working on it, as a full shift has not yet run through. Until now, I have never thought of my job as a tool to assisting with mastering my life and maybe this has been part of my psychological battle with my balance of and so on.....
My new job posting may alter many ways to which I can approach my life. I'm not fully into the swing of this new position yet, but I'm working on it, as a full shift has not yet run through. Until now, I have never thought of my job as a tool to assisting with mastering my life and maybe this has been part of my psychological battle with my balance of and so on.....
..........................................................................................................
The last 20 years in the patch I have prioritized towards my career.... and maybe even before that but just didn’t see the consequences then. This prioritization, which wasn't due to a want, but to a matter of survival and maintaining my job position. I need to change my process, but still need to keep my job/career near the top and I don't want to continue to miss out on the building of my family. I don't want to put off the needs of my boys and my wife or the extracurricular activities that our family has never experienced....or things that I alone have never experienced. I feel my approach too many aspects in my life is off a few degrees. I may be thinking and wanting to head in the right direction, but... What the heck is it, is it past influences that haven’t been resolved? I spoke with a friend and it came to me, if this is the deal - that I just haven’t dealt with past issues; it needs to be dealt with and kept in the fore front, I need to embrace my past issues; they will not be resolved or the damage lessened by avoidance. The problem with unattended issues is, they do not become the past or fade away.
My childhood was short as I started to work as a young man at the age of ten. As the years seem to fly by quicker and quicker and I realize how short life on earth really is and how little I have really accomplished, I'm feeling the need to explore my horizons more than I ever have. The scariest part is I still do not have the ability to read a crystal ball accuratelyJ I don't know if I will wake up tomorrow, so I want to live more in the moment and more fully...easier said than done! Living my life to its fullest, exploring and doing things that I have only dreamed about is the direction that I'm pushed towards. Again, part of my problem is, I seem to still be living for the future and not as much in the moment as I’d like to be.
Even though from a couple different starting points, this
entry does mesh together, maybe not nicely.... but for me there is another path
to focus on.
Darcy Regier
http://darcyregier.blogger.com/
I find the challenge is balance, you need to think of the future, you want to learn from your past and you don't want to miss out on what is happening now.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your comment of living for the future too much...good reminder Sifu.Thanks
Sifu Brinker was talking about this in Sihing class also--about making small changes, a few at a time, rather than yanking the wheel to do a 90* turn.I'm a yank the wheel kinda person too--its been an interesting process to grow slowly--I'm still chomping at the bit sometimes, other times stressing out. I think the one thing I've been told that has helped me the most was an exercise in figuring out my values, and meditating on how they feel to me and what they look like in my life. If I can keep those in front of me for all my decisions, I make those small turns to where I want to go:)
ReplyDeleteI really feel for you as I have experienced some of what you talk about, plus it bothers me that you are struggling. For too long I waited for a "better day"; a day when my life would improve. It was brutal for me and I never seemed to be happy. I was usually negative. I always thought, "I will be happy tomorrow". It was a process to get over that. I forced myself to take time for things I enjoy doing. I also meditate every night with thoughts of things I am blessed with in my life. Things that make me happy.I only do it for about 10 minutes, but it really helps. The team is there for you Sifu.
ReplyDelete