Why am I doing this?

This is a question that has been in my mind for some time.  Why am I training in Kung Fu?  Why am I a part of the I Ho Chuan team?  Lately I'm not sure what the answer is for either one.  I know that I have struggled and continue to struggle with big highs and big lows.  I know exactly when this current "low" started.  It was the day of the demo.  It was exactly the moment when I dropped my chuck so early on in my form.  At that very moment I was devastated...  I never recovered...  The very next day I had to get on a plane and fly to Montreal for the next week.  Being away didn't allow me the opportunity to get right back at it.  I let the time away in Montreal get the best of me.  I allowed myself to let defeat and disappointment take over.  The crazy thing is that it was easy....easy to let it take over and I did nothing to over come it.  The last three weeks have been the same for me.  I have been busy with work and I have been busy avoiding the kwoon.  I have been avoiding the people that I feel I let down.  I was picked to be part of the demo that day and I didn't perform.  I have been struggling with this and I have been way too silent.  I have been hiding and avoiding the people that I need and who need me.

Then I read Sifu Ryback’s latest blog and it sort of shook me up.  She’s absolutely right, our team is almost like a house of cards.  There are some strong cards on the bottom but there are so many cards that can’t support themselves let alone the rest of the house.

I'm not proud this and there is only one thing that I can do and that's get back to class and get back to training.  I have failed miserably personally this year and most disturbing is how badly I have let the team down. 

Mr. Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta
ian.repay@blogspot.com