Hmm... I had a meeting with Sifu Brinker last night and he most definitely gave me a lot to think about. One of the many topics was my blogging- so here I am blogging.
This aspect is rough for me. Not that I'm lacking topics, believe me that there is a lot rolling around in my head, but I've always been nervous about getting too deep into my own training. I'm worried that it'll either come off as egotistical when I'm on my ups or it'll come off as negative and I'll possibly loose the confidence others have in me when I'm on my downs. I can analyze a technique I've been working on seven ways to Sunday, but it may not necessarily benefit anyone unless you can get into my body and feel what I'm feeling. And as Sifu Brinker mentioned; I get frustrated when I can't explain myself accurately, don't have the vocabulary or terminology I'm looking for. I can be so sure of something in my heart but my head just won't listen.
Its strange. I absolutely feel confident and I've been told many times by friends and strangers alike that I come across as confident and more mature than my age. But I also lack confidence. Sometimes I can be sure and assertive, other times I question myself. I've been trying to figure this one out even before my meeting last night, but insofar I can't see a pattern as to why I switch gears. Take the Tiger Challenge- I was confident my forms were solid enough to perform and I felt good in sparring (even had fun when Sifu Beckett went snaky on me. Get it? Snaky? Year of the Snake?). But when I got the Grand Champ I was like, What? Really? Did I earn this or did I win this by default?
Another thing I realized while chatting with Sifu Brinker- while taking on a leadership role is intimidating for most, it doesn't bother me. Ever since I was 18 and went from just another newbie blackbelt to the head instructor overnight, leading doesn't shake me. You just get done what has to be done and people will either take the opportunity or not. Hence why I tried to stay in the shadows for the first part of last year.
What does shake me? My own progression. I feel like I've fooled you all, that if I try too hard and don't manage to get where I'm going then you'll all realize I really am just a mediocre martial artist. A three dressed up as a nine.
Huh. Just read over that and saw my confident/not confident conundrum rearing its head. See?
You nailed that one, Sifu Brinker.
So, now what? Now I take Sifu Brinkers' advice and shut up and do it anyways (or try really really hard to). Take my own advice from my last post and trust Sifu Brinker and trust myself. So I apologize in advance- if, in my posts, I'm doing nothing but talking about myself and how great I'm doing or alternately how crappy I am and how crappy I feel, I'm sorry. I'm not an egomaniac and I'm not meek or depressed. I'm just lost in the middle.
I will, however, still have intermittent postings about my dogs. Period.
http://dogsthinking.blogspot.ca/
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