I have had this journal entry in my draft folder for weeks, afraid to
throw it out there. Afraid of being too negative. Afraid of being too
honest. What have I gained from this past year? A loaded question.
In a way, a simple answer can reply to that. I have learned what it
really means to be a black belt. Enough said? Probably not. The real
explanation isn't a very pretty one as it gives a lot of personal
information about the kind of person I used to be. I didn't really like
the person I used to be when I was at the kung fu school, and I am not
too sure about sharing, but I have always been honest and open in my
blogs.
I am not sure how others saw me before, nor how
they see me now. I can only speak of how I saw, and see myself now.
The only word I can really think of to describe how I used to be is
"attitude". I had an issue with attitude. I had a BAD attitude. This
wasn't all the time, but a large majority of the time. I felt like I
didn't belong, like I didn't deserve to have a black belt, like I wasn't
as good as everyone else, like I didn't really have any friends at the
kung fu school. I felt like I always had different ideas than everyone
else, and my ideas were not the right ones. Everyone else was on the
right track, but I was way out in left field.
My bad
attitude often got me in trouble. It was so bad that, on a couple of
occasions, I actually walked out the door as soon as I walked in
because of. . . .well, I will leave it at that. I didn't care for
Chinese News Years banquets, although I tried to put on a good face, and
help out a little bit. This sounds soooooo bad and I shouldn't even be
this open, but the celebration made me feel even worse about myself, and
as if all those people being recognized were way better than me. I
wasn't good enough to be recognized for anything, and my techniques were
not as good as the people on stage. Wow! I actually admitted to
that. I am really ashamed of the way I was, and I am very grateful that
I am not like that anymore. I see now with the attitude blinders off,
that I was right in thinking I wasn't as good as the people on stage and
being recognized. But the reason for that is that I didn't work hard
at my training like those people did. Those people deserved what they
got, as did I.
I am excited to say that I am not like
that because of this past year. I can't say enough, or find any words
to really describe how huge this change is for me. It's like, before
everything was all about ME, and what others can do for me. Now my
thinking is all about what I can do for others. I have no idea how that
really works, and what this past year did to change my way of thinking.
The
first part of the year, I went ahead and started to do all the things I
was required to do. I did this by myself, as I thought we were to do,
as I did the first year we did what was called the UBBT. This year,
Sifus Brinker and Sifu Playter ran the classes and the meetings, so I
had it in my head that they were the leaders of the "team". It only
took getting hauled in the office once and told otherwise, to change my
thinking and my training plan. Suddenly it became about the team, and
not just about me. Maybe therein lies the magic.
Part
of the process in this change in me and my attitude is that I actually
took the time, and was given the time, to get to know other people on
the team, and other people at the school. I got to know who they really
were and what they were about. I got to make friends, and that I did.
This is one of the things I am most grateful for out of the entire
year. I made a lot of kung fu friends this year, and found people that I
highly respect, and admire. It was the group training that did this;
the dragon dance practices, demo practices, sparring at open training,
and attending the sparring class. These were the best parts of this past
year for me. These gatherings were what I really needed most, and I am
so grateful to the group that came out to train together. They made my
world change. It was hard to complete the requirements, and definitely
a lot of work. We worked hard at the dragon dance and demo practices,
but they also added so much fun to the whole year. They brought a
balance to working hard, and having fun. An added bonus was training
with so many different belt levels. That has been awesome!
This brings to mind the one and only disappointment this past year. I don't mean it to
sound negative, just honest. It was very disappointing to witness the
people that slipped by and didn't become a strong part of the team.
There was a large group of us that stayed strong and worked hard
together. I can only imagine the greatness we could have experienced
and how much we could have accomplished, if everyone had stayed strong.
Instead
of following and watching things happen around me, like I seemed to
always have done, I made the conscious decision to be a part of what was
happening. I took my first step with calling a team meeting one I Ho
Chuan night, and that was the start of it for me. I took a leadership
role and went with it. This put my head in a totally different mode
than it had been in before, and I think it did this for others on the
team too. I did manage to act like a leader and tried on other
occasions to take the roll as a leader, but others were doing the
same, and I sometimes got pushed to the back seat. I don't feel bad
about it as we have some really great leaders on our team. The team is
what it is because of all of us.
So those are the
really big things that stick out in my head as being the greatest things
to come from this past year with the dragon team. That wasn't all
though. My rope dart has taken leaps and bounds since last year, and I
feel really enthusiastic about keeping with it and going to the next
level: faster, more cool moves, and more direction changes with more
spinning type moves.
My tai chi is another great
accomplishment for me. I didn't like tai chi much before, and sifu
Brinker said it was because I didn't DO tai chi. I just thought, "yah,
whatever". But I came to know what he was talking about and he was
right. After doing upteen hours of tai chi this past year, I
experienced first hand what he meant. Tai chi has some kind of beauty
to it. Kung fu can take your breath away too, but somehow tai chi
steels your heart too. Sounds hokey, but that's the best way I can
explain it.
I used to have real troubles remembering
tai chi as well. There are so many moves that are the same, but the
moves surrounding them are different, and it was always confusing. Now
after doing so much of it, it somehow makes sense. Now that it makes
sense, it is far easier to remember. The only time I get lost is if my
mind is off in la la land, and suddenly my body takes over for my mind.
I will be doing single whip in part two and suddenly I am doing snake
creeps down in part four. Tai chi is great for my focus.
So,
I make myself sound like I used to be some kind of Ogre, but I am
hoping that I wasn't really that bad. I know I had my good days, and my
bad days. This past year seemed to be full of nothing but good days.
My plan is to keep progressing with my tai chi, and my rope dart, keep
taking part in the sparring class,(maybe get in on the teaching
rotation), and stay on top of my training at all times. I still feel
like my ideas are often out in left field, but that's OK now. I have
learned so much from others on the team, and about different ways of
doing things, and especially that even when it seems like a strange
idea, at least give it a try. "Seriously??!! You want me to fight 6
people with my rope dart??!!"
Never turn down an idea
without trying it first. When I do, I have no choice but to fail. If I
give it a chance and at least try, and it doesn't work, I walk away
having learned something.
Kung fu has a way of molding
people into something better today, than we were yesterday. It can
mold us into greatness, as long as we stay open, and are receptive to
making a change. That is the best way I can describe my success this
past year with the I ho chuan dragon team. It has made me a better
person this past year, than I was last year. It's been a year full of
changes for me. A year full of good changes. I am so grateful to those
that helped make this happen for me. They helped to make my year a
really great one! They helped me to achieve success.
I
now feel totally engaged in my kung fu training. I feel a strong
connection with so many people at the school, and not just with students
that were on the team. I understand more of the connection kung fu has
on the rest of the community and to others worldwide. I would highly
recommend the I ho chuan to any student at Silent River Kung Fu, and
especially to the students training in outlying areas and in the morning
classes. If you feel at all a loss of connection to the rest of the
school, the I ho chuan is for you!
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