One Step Forward, Two Back

I’ve had a hard time writing this week.  I’m not sure how to put into words where I am or how I’m feeling.  Plain and simple, I have been feeling exhausted and kind of burnt out. 

I have struggled trying to figure out if what I am feeling is ‘normal’ at this stage in the game.  I have had the feelings of one step forward and two back.  Last week ends forms seminar was another of those two steps back.  I had for the most part learnt the Lau Gar form from watching video.  Although a great tool, it’s not perfect.  Most details in the form I missed on tape.  So for over a year I had been practicing and building muscle memory that wasn’t right on.  Trying to change those habits isn’t as easy as I would have hoped. I learned an incredible amount in the 4 hours last Saturday and a big thanks to my very patient instructor.   When it came to performing my form in front of everyone at the end of the day, there I choked.  Not only did I have to perform in front of people but I found myself thinking ahead instead of focusing on what I was actually doing at that moment.  I was trying to remember and process everything I had just learnt and my brain hurt.  I heard the little voice in my head saying “when you get to … make sure you don’t forget…” and “remember not to …”   

Then there is performing in front of others.  I have for 39 years let this fear stand in my way in many areas of my life.   I have tried to figure out where it originated from, but can’t for the life of me come up with anything.  I grew up in a loving and supportive family, I had good friends, I wasn’t put down or belittled, so where does this lack of confidence come from?    Somewhere over the years I have allowed this to continue and let it hold me back from doing a number of things in life.   The past two years in kung fu has pushed me little by little out of my comfort zone.  This year alone I think I have made steps forward (little they may be). After 39 years I can’t realistically expect change overnight, so this is something I am going to have to make a conscious effort at continually. Guess what’s on my mind for my 2013 challenges!

 I have travelled along this journey for six years now.  I had no idea at the start the incredible ride this was going to be.  As students of Silent River, we are all working towards mastery, toward something out of the ordinary.  It’s not supposed to be easy, it’s supposed to challenge us so we can grow and become different and better people than when we first started.

 

Alana Regier

http://alanaregier.blogspot.ca