Silent Screams

I know we are not to look at our I ho chuan requirements as things to "check" off.  As I get closer to completing them, it is hard not to look at it that way.  My children are starting to look at it that way.  Just yesterday my daughter said to me, "mom, I can't wait till you are done all these requirements".  We were trying to schedule a time for our annual family gathering to put up my christmas tree.  Just a couple weeks ago, we were trying to schedule our annual family gathering/christmas crafts and baking event.  With the holidays here, everyone is busy with christmas parties on the weekends as well as me with my kung fu.  It makes it very very difficult to schedule anything.   Friday nights are classes, and so is Saturday, along with open training, and sometimes meetings, or demos or demo practices.  There are things that I have gained from being a part of this very special team that I know for a matter of fact that I cold never have gotten anywhere else.  What I have gained can never be taken from me, and it will benefit me in so many aspects of my life, for the rest of my life.

Sifu Brinker says we don't make sacrifices to do our I ho chuan, and I am not sure I understand that.  Perhaps it isn't a sacrifice because we gain so much in return.  I have had to be left out of church events, family outings, weekends away, and time with friends in order to stay true to my commitments with the I ho chuan.  I sound like I am complaining, but I am not.  I am just stating things as they are.  Have the "sacrifices" been worth it.  ABSOLUTELY!

I think perhaps too often I use my kung fu as an escape.  There are often a lot of days where I feel like this little person is inside of me screaming their head off.  But on the outside, I smile and put on a good face, and wait for things to pass.  No one knows I am absolutely dying inside.  Heartache, depression, frustration, and a ton of other feelings all wrapped up in one big gift package.

I have had to be strong all of my life it seems, and some days, it's just tiring.  Some days, I wish I had someone else here to be strong for me.  Someone to lean on, if just for a little while.  Someone to say, it will be alright.  So, on days like that I dive into my kung fu.  Kung fu quiets the screams.  This past Sunday was an example of that.  I worked out at the gym with my friend at 7 in the morning for a good hard 90 minutes,  then after dropping him off home, went to the kung fu school for a couple of hours. Sundays are the worst for me as I have too much time on my hands to think.  I go all out from morning till eve on 6 days of the week, and then Sunday is a slow day for me.  I am left with my own thoughts and those thoughts, far too often, go deep.  That is a curse for me.

Maybe this is too much personal info for this blog, but hopefully this will be one of those that no one reads anyways.  Life is good, and I am truly blessed with good health, good stable employment, fantastic kids, and grandkids, who themselves are very healthy..  Who could ask for more?  It just seems that when things go rough at work, it is hard to be a leader, and, I am told by  the leaders above me, I am too hard on myself.  Right now there is a lot going on at work, and a lot more responsibilities being added to my role as a supervisor.  Top that up with all my I ho chuan requirements, getting ready to grade, planning a kids demo, planning my own demo, teaching 7 classes a week, attending another 4 classes a week, training on the side, trying to keep up with my volunteer work, be an active mother and grandma, (nana), pay attention to my extended family, worrying about old age and retirement financing, try to make sense of heartbreaking decisions my kids make, work at rising to my potential and expectations of others, and above all, be a good example and leader at kung fu, and to everyone around me.  It's exhausting!  People tell me a million times, "I don't know how you do it all".  I always just shrug it off and say, I do what I have to do.  Cause I do.  I don't mind it so much most days, but lately I feel like my life is going so darn fast, and it is running away from me.  I guess that comes with being so busy.  Time flies.  I know a lot of it has to do with the season.  I absolutely do not like the cold weather.  I miss the sun and being able to be outdoors more.  In the summer I am away in the mountains most weekends, and this really helps me to regroup, and keep my head on straight.  In the summer, I take more time for "me".  I miss that this time of year.

So what does all this add up to?  I don't really know.  I just know that on this day, at this time, I feel as I do.  It is what it is.  I also know that time will continue to pass, I will continue to grow on my journey, and things will be different tomorrow.  Nothing is as constant as change.