Reality cheek

I am struggling and I really didn't know with what until I sat down at the monthly meeting.I listened to everyone who was there and thought "now there's some real goals and accomplishments." I even knew what I was going to say right up until it was my turn to open my mouth. It was like this black hole had opened up under me and I was at the bottom. I have made small attempts at getting out but can't quit see daylight. In some ways it was liberating. I know longer have to pretend to be able to do what I cannot. There is no use standing at the back of a class or thinking "I'm out of the way and no one can see me" It is all right there in the way I move or should I say how I can't move.At that moment I hit one of the lowest points in my life since I have had the "stroke" there I said it out loud. The word itself brings up such overwhelming feelings of defeat,fear, anxiousness and shame. How could I have done this to my body.At this point in the meeting I wanted nothing more than to crawl out of there and leave the real Kung Fu students to the guts of the program. I am truly ashamed. But I have never let my kids quit in the middle of something they started. I pushed them to the end and I will do the same. By the standards set out by the Ultimate Black belt test I have already failed miserably but in the sprit of the art which I truly love I will see it to the end with as much passion I can muster at this point of my life.I am what I most fear, the weakest point in the link. I will endeavor not to bring the rest of the team down with me. Any help anyone can offer is appreciated. Posted by linda shipalesky at 7:43 AM