Thursday, May 16, 2013

Kindness: Act I and Beyond

 "Kindness is an inner desire that makes us want to do good things even if we do not get anything in return. It is the joy of our life to do them. When we do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything we think, say, want and do."
Emmanuel Swedenborg
1688-1772, Scientist, Philosopher and Theologian

The 1000 acts of kindness goal is not a challenge for me to meet. However when I look closer, I have discovered the way of making this goal more challenging. As I see it, there are 3 layers to kindness acts: people we don't know, people we do know, and ourselves with the difficulty increasing the closer we get to ourselves. Let me explain.

The acts of kindness we perform for strangers and in passing are easy. A simple wave, hello, letting someone in traffic, and so on are simple to perform and there is very little attachment as to how that person receives the gift of kindness. If the person responds back with a smile or acknowledgement, a warm and fuzzy feeling results. However if the person responds with "a mood" we can think" wow that person has issues!!" and move about our lives because the changes of seeing this person again could be very slim and the next person we bless with our kindness will be better. Even though these acts of kindness are easy and come quickly, they are very important as they build the confidence for the next level: our friends, team mates, and family where we will see each other again and sometimes it's whether we want to or not.

With giving an act of kindness to those we associate with there is the underlying attachment of "does he/she like me?". If the kindness is received, all is well and we are still friends and in our happy places. But what if the act is batted off faster than a ping-pong ball being whacked across the room? There is a twinge of hurt and the underlying "but he/she doesn't like me" is there (subtle or not) and the chances of giving this person another act of kindness has decreased because "why bother??" and yes, there is a ripple effect to others we know. The whole purpose of giving an act of kindness is to GIVE the act regardless of what the other person does with it because what they do with it is up to them, not us. Ahh to be that clean with it, but here's where the stickiness lies: there is an assumption that the receiver will be overjoyed and grateful and when not, it is assumed that he/she doesn't like me anymore. The assumption is still there with strangers, but the stakes are higher with ones we know and we (okay I) don't like to get hurt. As with strangers, their issues are their issues, the only thing for me to do is to give freely and yes, that can be tough. So the challenge here for me is to give an act of kindness: pure and simple, only to give and what the other person does with it is up to them.

Now for the high-stake act of giving to ourselves. We have been taught in our society that it's better to give than to receive. What a pile of high rank baloney!! That's like saying that it's better to breathe out than to breathe in or that the heart should only pump out and not in. Yeah, try that and let me know how that works. Giving and receiving operate on a bio-feedback loop. We give so that we can receive and we receive so that we can give. Much better, isn't it? So why the hangup about receiving? We are also taught that if we receive (or want something for ourselves) that we are being selfish. Okay if that is the case then why is the instruction in airplanes to put OUR oxygen mask on FIRST? Yet in our so-called real world of society we put oxygen masks on everyone else first, beat ourselves up for even thinking we should want (let alone receive) oxygen, and then wonder why we are dying of hypoxia. And then add in "but someone else is supposed to put my mask on!!! and boy do we get into a snit if that someone doesn't. The truth is that it's not their job, it's mine. We, in this society, have been so well taught to be martyrs to give to everyone else at our own expense. So, how's that working? Yes I make my to-do list out, accomplish all 85 things on it and how am I after that? Bagged out, dragged out, and in a hissy-fit because "someone" hasn't given me one iota of kindness. And truthfully if "someone" did, would I recognize it because I'm so wrapped up in my vortex of "doingness drama"? Back to the oxygen mask on the airplane. What would happen if I did an act of kindness to me for me each day? And, what if I was kind to me FIRST? Insert the challenge on this level is to do an act of kindness to me from me each day. What if I had that nap, took time to watch the grass grow, made something JUST FOR ME, took myself on an adventure? Life just might be a bit more fun.

In conclusion, the challenge for me for the acts of kindness challenge isn't to do and record the acts (and yes I still will continue to do so), but for me to give freely without expectation and to give an act to me each day. Plus, I'm not stopping my variety of challenge at the end of the week, I'm challenging myself to make this a habit.
Sherri Donohue
My Blog

No comments:

Post a Comment