Perpetual Struggle

I'm falling back into my old routine of dropping my stuff for everything else. Its so easy to put aside my own training because so-and-so is depending on me to do such-and-such. Its very short sighted of me, and I can only imagine where I'd be if I had just kept my focus constant for these past couple decades. Decades! Geez, I'm aging myself.

I poked Sihing Langner and Sifu Robinson last night about bringing out their new weapons. But what about my spade? It was sitting at home in my breezeway. Sheesh. Hypocrite. When I hear "I can't do this!" my heart flairs and I respond "Of course you can!". But I tell myself the same thing repeatedly. I've given up of many things because of this- as soon as it gets hard and I don't see myself getting better I throw up my hands and say its not for me. Hockey, softball, guitar, snowboarding, dance, learning sign language, archery. Makes me wonder how I've managed to stick with kung fu so long. Oh, I know- my mom used to drag me by the ear when I'd complain that I didn't want to go. Thankfully, I caught the bug one day. But I never gave myself a chance to catch the bug with anything else... downer. Even now, I get disheartened when I can't pick up something as quick as I think I should. Footwork, vectors, close combat, dragon- these are all concepts I continually struggle with, and I feel I'm not as good as I should be, considering how many years I've been training, how many times its been explained, how old I am.

Then, I get a compliment- the height of my kicks or how I move. I politely say thank you, but I'm secretly wondering what the heck are these people on? I watch myself in the mirror, and I see how high I am in my stances. I see how much I sway when I move, I see the sloppiness in my hands. But, then I notice how high my kicks really are, and how I still feel strong when I do them.

I'm thankful for inheriting my fathers stubbornness. And my mothers passion. I think thats what keeps me going. I turn my back to the mirror and focus on doing better than last time instead of what I look like.

Side note- I had a teammate comment about how he was surprised after the last meeting, how he thought I had everything together and was full speed ahead. Nope. I struggle just like the rest of you. I know what I am and I know what I ain't, and I ain't always what you think I am. That was just fun to type, doesn't really mean much.

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